If we’re being completely honest, sometimes I’m really
frustrated with the way my life is turning out.
I’ve always wanted to do something out of the ordinary. I
think that we all want to feel like we’ve done something significant with our
lives. I think that there is the slightest fear in all of us that we will fail,
that we will miss our cue, or waste the perfect moment to do something great.
Even when I was thirteen, I remember thinking that I wanted to do something
different…something that would leave the world a better place. And it all
seemed a lot easier when my Mom was making me dinner every day and “credit
history” and “bills” were words that were never in my vocabulary. If we’re
being honest, when I was that thirteen-year- old little girl, I thought that my
life at twenty-one would look a lot different than it actually does.
I was supposed to know
exactly where my life was going. I was supposed
to have a boyfriend. I was supposed
to be a lot more patient with my brothers and know at least five recipes off of
the top of my head. I was supposed to
wake up early every morning to exercise. I wanted to have a good bit of money
in my savings. I wanted to be the girl that had it all figured out.
And in my most frustrated moments like today, when my bank
account is practically empty and I can’t remember the last time that I exercised,
when I burn (literally) everything I cook, and thinking about what I’m supposed
to do after graduation absolutely terrifies me, I can hear God’s voice saying, “Sweetie,
your life has to go differently than expected so that it can be better than you ever expected.”
Isn’t that the scary truth? I’m so quick to become
frustrated with God because the new and unknown is so scary. When everything
you planned is crumbling, it feels like He is abandoning. But He’s doing the
exact opposite. He’s taking things away so He can give us something so much
better. We ask time and time again for Him to do something extraordinary
through us. To make our lives stand out—to make our lives significant. But yet
we still want to be comfortable. We were made to be different, and sometimes
being different brings hurt.
So when we’re terrified of what is in front of us, when it’s
new and scary and lonely and people are disapproving and discouraging, He isn’t
walking away. He’s just giving us what we’ve
prayed for time and time again.
I’m so guilty of thinking that “having it all together”
makes me closer to God. The only thing that brings us closer to Him is to be at
His feet. And that never requires us to be perfect. It doesn’t mean we have to
have our hair brushed and our tears wiped and our plans set in stone. It means
that we realize we are nothing in comparison to Him. We are weak and broken and
so unbelievably flawed, but that He is our Dad and He will lead us and guide us
and use us and most importantly, love us.
He doesn’t just want us when we’re clean and perfect and
pure.
He’s our Dad, and Dads want their children even when they’re
dirty and guilty and scared.
